Arguments and Nonsense
by Phoradendron
Summary: Susie is holding Hobbes hostage and wants Calvin to do her a favor. Imagine the possibilities...  this is my very first fanfic so please R&R! Disclaimer: Sadly, I don't own Calvin and Hobbes, but at least i can make them do what i want them to do!
1. Chapter 1

"Hobbes! Where are you, you dumb butt?" Calvin tossed aside a smelly piece of rolled up junk and cringed when it crashed into part of a drum set.

"Calvin! You better not be making a mess!"

"Geez, it's just for the…um….histor-no wait, science project!"

"Well I'm glad to hear you're doing homework!"

Calvin ignored her and kept on looking for Hobbes. Where could he be? _Hobbes, you stupid tiger, I wanted to show you my new improved water balloon launcher I just finished! If you don't come out, this will dissolve our bond of democracy, since you are NOT treating me equally!_ Calvin continued muttering about how he was going to brutally murder Hobbes for wasting a good sunny afternoon of water balloon launching.

_Ding Dong! _"Calvin! Your friend Susie is here! She says she has something important to tell you!"

"Darn that Susie Derkins! Why do I have to go talk to her?" Calvin started preparing his 'ultimate water balloon launcher' and a couple of balloons to fill up later outside. _Now all I need is Hobbes…_

"Calvin! Get down here! Susie says she has something very important of yours. You better not bring any water balloons!"

Darn.

Calvin leaped down the stairs and almost barreled into Susie. She smiled innocently, but Calvin knew there was pure evil behind that face.

"Now play nice, kids!" Calvin's mom slammed the door. He whirled around.

Locked out of his own house.

"Hey Calvin, I found Hobbes in front of my door!" Susie held up Hobbes by one arm.

Calvin tried snatching him away from the throngs of evil, but Susie was too quick.

"Not so fast, dipstick! I want something too!" Calvin winced. He could practically see Hobbes blowing a raspberry at him while Susie hid him behind her back.

"As payback for all 862 snowballs you threw at me –"

"You actually keep track?"

"Yeah, I need to know how much I can sue you for when I get older for, um, I think it was called, oh yeah! A salt. That's what Daddy said."

"A salt?"

"Yup!" Calvin was busily trying to think of the last prank he pulled that involved salt, pepper, or French fries.

"….well…not if I sue you first because I'm older!"

"Oh yeah? When's your birthday?"

"Not telling."

"Mommy says if a person doesn't tell you something that means they don't want you to know that you're right."

"Umm this argument is completely pointless! I demand a rematch!"

"How can you have a rematch argument?"

"Argghhh! Just hand over Hobbes already!"

"Nope!" Susie dangled Hobbes over Calvin's head. He growled in frustration since Susie was wearing her 3 inch flip flops and clumsily tried to stay upright. However, she ended up taller than him. Susie grinned triumphantly.

Then she got tackled.


	2. Chapter 2

Susie clobbered Calvin while he was still trying to get Hobbes away from her, and Calvin accidentally stuck his foot in her mouth. She responded by punching him in the face. Rolling down a hill that Calvin was absolutely sure wasn't there before, they landed on the bottom, still scuffling around.

THONK! Calvin's back impacted a plastic wall. He looked up at Susie's face and watched it change from angry, to surprised, to thoughtful, to evil. Not a good sign…

"Where's Hobbes? I thought you were holding on to him!"

She pulled him out from behind her back. Calvin groaned.

"That was very, very mean, Calvin! Now you owe me even more to get Hobbes back. Let's see, there's a plastic play house behind us, so…you have to play house with me to get him back!"

Calvin's eyes grew wide.

"RUN IF YOU CAN, HOBBES! I KNOW YOU WON'T LET THE CRIMINAL GET THE UPPER HAND!"

Hobbes remained silent and motionless.

"Stupid tiger."

Susie coughed delicately. "So, do you accept the offer or not?" Calvin fidgeted nervously, but seeing Hobbes being held hostage by the ultimate enemy, he had to do something for his buddy!

"Fine, being so noble and loyal, I'll sacrifice myself for this horrible act. Nice friend you are, Hobbes!"

Susie hugged Hobbes. Calvin seethed. "You don't know how long I wanted someone to play house with me!"

"GROSS! Hobbes, get away before she gives you cooties!"

Susie entered the playhouse. "Let's see, how about I sit on the couch here and wait for you to come in from work. Don't forget to say 'Honey, I'm home!'"

"No way! I'm not saying that!"

"Do you want to lose Hobbes forever?"

"…You're cruel."

Susie sat down on the plastic stool and pretended to read a newspaper.

"Umm, honey I'm here?"

She sighed. "Good enough I guess. Now you have to kiss me on the cheek."

"WHAT?"

"But that's what Mommy and Daddy always do, and as far as I know, Daddy isn't sick yet."

Calvin stomped outside. "I am never ever never ever never ever going to do that. I can feel myself shriveling up already once you give me your cooties…" He started leaving.

"What about Hobbes?"

He stopped, then sighed. "The things people do for their tiger…" Muttering angrily, he stomped back inside. Susie sat there, waiting expectantly.

Calvin puckered his face so it looked like he was eating lemon, and leaned forward. He gave her a peck on the cheek since that was what he always saw his Mom and Dad do.

"Ow!" For some reason, when he kissed her, it had sent a shock of electricity through both of them and they flew backwards. Susie banged into the fake plastic sink and Calvin crashed into the wall.

"You shocked me!"

"No, you hurt me first!"

"You know what? You can have your stupid tiger back again. It's not worth getting hurt!"

"Fine. I don't ever want to see your ugly face again, stinkhead! You're so ugly you could probably scare Medusa away!"

"Well who's the one getting A's at school and who's the one getting sent to the principal's office once a week?"

"I'm leaving!"

"Fine!"

Calvin angrily picked up Hobbes and marched away from Susie.

Susie picked herself up and marched away from Calvin. They both agreed that they still hated each other.

However, they both came back to the same place the next day.


End file.
